Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
