i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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