I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
