Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
