I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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