I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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