So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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