I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
