i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
