i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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