His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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