i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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