I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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