I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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