so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
