morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
