when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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