im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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