i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
