Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
