Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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