can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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