don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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