I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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