About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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