i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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