im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
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