Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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