billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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