Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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