I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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