Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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