why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
