I'm so fucking centered right now
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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