Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
lol hangovers are for mortals.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
