she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
