Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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