I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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