there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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