The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
