the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
