Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
