What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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