i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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