Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
