I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
