did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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