My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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