I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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