someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
