my phone needs a breathalizer
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
