I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
