Old men and throwing up are my life now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
