I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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