peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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