Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
