my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
