i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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