good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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